Relationships Can be Simple

We tend to complicate relationships. Consider how simple they can be.

Relationships Are Simple

Are you disagreeing with me already? We are created to have simple relationships. It is said that we should be like the sparrows and the flowers of the field who take no thought about themselves. They just enjoy being sparrows and flowers with other sparrows and flowers.

Well, that may be a little strange, but that triggered the thinking herein.

The Golden Rule

Remember the Golden Rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

If we apply that rule to our relationships, then relationships become very simple.

We treat our spouse, friend, partner, child, as we would like them to treat us. Can’t get simpler than that, can it?

But, in practicality, what does that mean?

It establishes the direction of our role in the relationship. Realistically, we can’t control how our partner reacts to us. We can’t make them be a good partner. The only thing we can control is our actions toward them: hence, “Do unto others.”

And the measuring gauge for the “doing” is how we would like to be “done unto.”

Trust

Would you like to be trusted by your partner? Then trust them. Trust them in the here and now. Don’t keep a list of past faults and foibles. Believe them. Rely on them. Tell them you trust them.

Respect

Don’t you want your partner in the relationship to respect you? Then respect them. Respect their person. Don’t interact with them publicly in the same way you do privately. Respect their space. Don’t encroach. Respect their time. Don’t make excessive demands of time. Respect their privacy. Don’t share their personal details or the details of your relationship with anybody!

Dignity

Don’t you like to be treated with dignity? Then give dignity to your partner. Don’t make fun of them. Don’t belittle their accomplishments. Don’t gossip about them. Speak to them with dignity.

Honor

Don’t you like to be treated with honor? Then give honor to your partner. Lift them up before others. Put them on a little pedestal. (Don’t get carried away with the pedestal.) Speak of their accomplishments. Be proud of them. Validate them privately and validate them before others.

Be Thankful

The Golden Rule is not ironclad; but it’s pretty reliable. Don’t expect them to reciprocate right away and every time. Expect nothing and be thankful for everything you receive from your partner.

It’s too simple

Quietly and privately consider how you responded to each of these points. It’s very common to dismiss this as too simple. Don’t let your negative thinking waylay a good relationship. Finding Personal Peace is designed to help with your negative thinking.

So, go do!

www.findingpersonalpeace.com

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I’ve said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends. There are buttons below for Facebook, Twitter, and other social media sites; and (3) sign up for an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for subsequent posts. Thanks again!

Relationships – What’s in the Mirror?

Use a mirror to test the health of your relationships.

See Your Relationship

Look in an imaginary mirror and picture what you would see if your relationship partner were looking at  you. Try to decide if you are pleased with the relationship as your partner sees it.

What kind of partner are you?

Do You Give Respect and Honor

• When you look at yourself do you see someone that shows respect and honor to your partner at every possible opportunity?
• Do you show respect and honor by your words and deeds?
• Does your partner get to walk daily in the reflection of your respect and honor for them?

Respect applies to opinions and ideas. Respect doesn’t let your partner be the butt of careless humor or embarrassment by you. You may have to practice some restraint when disrespectful words start to escape your mouth either about or in the presence of your partner.

Honor lifts your partner. Let the world see in your eyes that your partner has a worthy place in your mind and heart.

Your respect and honor should be so automatic that you do it reflexively. You shouldn’t have to think about it at all.

If you can’t do that, ask yourself why not. Try to recognize the thoughts that precede your lack of respect and honor and privately deal with them.

Do You See Truthfulness and Openness

When you look in the mirror, do you see truthfulness and openness? Do you hide things from your partner? Do you find it difficult to talk to your partner about some things?

You don’t want to burden and hurt your partner by raw but irrelevant details. But if something from your past has a bearing on the present relationship, it needs to come out.

Do You See Decorum and Decency

This may sound so twentieth century. Does your partner wish they were somewhere else when inappropriate language gushes from your mouth? Do your friends know details of your relationship that ought to be secrets between you and your partner? Do your children see or hear you embarrassing them or their other parent by your words.

There’s still a place for decency in this world. There are times and places that some topics or language should not be spoken. If you and your partner disagree on that, that’s a stress that your relationship doesn’t need. If it’s you, you can do something about it. If it’s your partner, they need to know that they are acting in a way that discomforts you. (see Truthfulness and Openness)

Do You See Safety and Security

Is your partner completely comfortable that you are not going to suggest a situation that endangers either of you? Is your partner certain that you will protect the security of your relationship vigorously?

While you may have a daredevil bent, it is not fair for you to expect your partner to share that nature or participate in such activities. It is not helpful to your relationship if you suggest actions that make your partner feel uncomfortable or worry about your safety.

Don’t give me the excuse; “If they loved me they would . . .” You might want to consider what is making you see those activities as fun when your partner sees them with fear.

What do you see in the mirror? Think about it.

www.findingpersonalpeace.com

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I’ve said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends. There are buttons below for Facebook, Twitter, and other social media sites; and (3) sign up for an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for subsequent posts. Thanks again!

Childhood Memories

Memories – The Best and The Worst of Life

All of us have memories of childhood. I trust that many have pleasant memories of family, friends, and good times.

Unfortunately, far too many people have memories that are still causing us pain today.

The small amount of Googling I did failed to produce a percentage of families that are dysfunctional. It’s hard to define dysfunctional because it could be said that anything that is not normal is dysfunctional. Then what is normal? It becomes a logical circle.

Unhealthy childhood memories

Do you have memories of your childhood that include any of these characteristics?

• Unrealistic expectations
• Ridicule
• Conditional love
• Disrespect; especially contempt
• Emotional intolerance (family members not allowed to express the “wrong” emotions)
• Social dysfunction or isolation (for example, parents unwilling to reach out to other families—especially those with children of the same gender and approximate age, or do nothing to help their “friendless” child)
• Stifled speech (children not allowed to dissent or question authority)
• Denial of an “inner life” (children are not allowed to develop their own value systems) maybe due to dogmatic or cult-like parenting.
• Being under- or over-protective
• Apathy “I don’t care!”
• Sibling abuse
• Abandonment
• Belittling “You can’t do anything right!”
• Shame “Shame on you!”
• Bitterness (regardless of what is said, using a bitter tone of voice)
• Hypocrisy “Do as I say, not as I do”
• Unforgiving “Saying sorry doesn’t help anything!”
• Judgmental statements or demonization “You are a liar!”
• Either no helpful criticism or excessive criticism
• Absentee parents (seldom available for their child due to work overload, alcohol/drug abuse, gambling or other addictions)
• Giving to one child what rightly belongs to another
• Gender prejudice (treats one gender of children fairly; the other unfairly)
• Discussion and exposure to sexuality: either too much, too soon or too little, too late
• Abuse (parents who use physical violence, or emotionally, or sexually abuse their children)
• Appeasement – rewarding faulty behavior to maintain peace
• Faulty discipline (i.e. punishment by “surprise”) based more on emotions or family politics than established rules
• Expecting perfection (fixating on order, prestige, power, and/or perfect appearances, while preventing their child from failing at anything)
• Overly protective – trying to prepare or protect a child in every contingency instead of letting the child learn how to deal with issues as they come along.
• Having an unpredictable emotional state due to substance abuse, personality disorder(s), or stress
• Parents always (or never) take their children’s side when others report acts of misbehavior, or teachers report problems at school
• Scapegoating (knowingly or recklessly blaming one child for the misdeeds of another)
• “Tunnel vision” diagnosis of children’s problems (for example, a parent may think their child is either lazy or has learning disabilities after he falls behind in school despite recent absence due to illness)
• Older siblings given either no or excessive authority over younger siblings with respect to their age difference and level of maturity
• Frequent withholding of consent (“blessing”) for culturally common, lawful, and age-appropriate activities a child wants to take part in
• The “know-it-all” (has no need to obtain child’s side of the story when accusing, or listen to child’s opinions on matters which greatly impact them)
• Nature vs. nurture (parents, often non-biological, blame common problems on child’s heredity, whereas faulty parenting may be the actual cause)

I’m not trying to ruin your day

I’m not trying to ruin your day by dredging up awful memories from your past. If I’ve done so, I apologize; and I want you to tell yourself, out loud, “I’m not going to think about that anymore,” Do it again and again if you have to until you have a moment of peace.

Clear thinking

I want you to think clearly for a moment. If you often dwell on painful or negative memories from your past, there’s a very good chance that you’re either passing along some of the same memories to your children; or that you’re overcompensating to protect them and thus creating other painful memories for them.

The best thing you can do for your family and your children is to learn how to break the control your childhood has over your thinking today. I’ve already told you how to do that.

You have the habit of negative thinking. You can break that habit. It’s all described in an online course called Finding Personal Peace.

Don’t put it off. Start creating good, positive, childhood memories for your children by losing the negative, painful, memories of your childhood. Do it today!

www.findingpersonalpeace.com

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I’ve said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends. There are buttons below for Facebook, Twitter, and other social media sites; and (3) sign up for an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for subsequent posts. Thanks again!

The Grass May Not Be Greener

Is the Grass Really Greener? Bad Decisions Hurt Relationships

Dear Abby had several letters today responding to a woman who was who was asking Abby for permission to give up a 20-year marriage to a man the woman described as “wonderful” because she didn’t “love” him and never had.

We all have potentially conflicting thoughts from time to time. “What if I do” precedes speculation about a new situation. “What if I had” follows a decision we couldn’t make for whatever reason. Both ends of the thought spectrum can cause us pain and regret.

I’m not denying there are situations that ought to be changed. No one should have to live in danger or accept infidelity as a matter of routine. Poverty and lack of education are circumstances that can very often be changed by determination and hard work. There’s nothing wrong with changing bad reality.

But there are many situations where we allow ideas of a more exciting and more fulfilling life to create total disdain for the life we have.

The woman who wrote Abby had a husband who loved her, cherished her, and provided well for her and had been faithful for 20 years. But she had gotten to the point where she didn’t want to be married to him anymore because she didn’t “love” him. I wonder how many times over the 20 years she had ruminated over a Hollywood version of life as the movies describe it.

She rationalized that she never loved him. Do you think that might be just an excuse to justify her dissatisfaction with her marriage or her life?

It’s not just marriage

Thousands of times in this country, this day, people will make decisions based on negative thinking that spoils their current situation; decisions that can destroy their past and cast them into an uncertain future.

Negative thinking can ruin our perspective on just about any issue. We can take a perfectly good job and grow to hate it because we keep replaying thoughts of how someone mistreated us. We can take a wonderful child and turn him into a social outcast because he learns that we think he’s not as successful as his brother.

At the extreme, a friend committed suicide a number of years ago because his wife was not satisfied with the $500,000 house he provided. He went deeper into debt to provide a “better” house. Then, when the economy downturned and shut down his business, he couldn’t take it any more. I had occasion in those days to be around the wife and some of her friends and the most common conversation was about how nice it would be to live in a more affluent neighborhood in a bigger house. Her negative thinking and her husband’s desire to please her ultimately made life not worth living for him.

Do you have a situation where your own negative thinking makes you dissatisfied with yourself, your life style, your job, or your spouse?

Why don’t you consider taking that negative thinking under control and see how much your disposition improves? You can do that. It’s not hard to break the habit of negative thinking.

Here’s wishing you a happier 2013 without doing a thing except stopping the negative thinking that minimizes life for you.

www.findingpersonalpeace.com

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I’ve said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends using the buttons below; and (3) sign up to get an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for our subsequent posts. Thanks again!

Resolutions – Why We Can’t Keep Them

Make Your Resolutions Count This Year

Got this year’s list close at hand? Maybe you didn’t write them down; somehow they’re not as binding if they’re not on paper.

Almost everyone has things they want to change in their lives as the New Year unfolds. Last year really wasn’t as good as it could have been. If I can just do this or that, this year will be better.

I resolve to . . .

• Lose some weight / Get in shape
• Get along with somebody
• Get organized
• Quit / atart doing something
• Drop / adopt a habit
• Make more / save more / spend less money
• … Whatever

We always resolve to do better than before. We have such a strong desire to make our lives different this year.

Then, baggage intervenes

We all have baggage from our past – we just handle it different ways. We envy the people who are able to stuff the baggage back out of sight and out of mind. It’s there. It’s part of our history. But that’s the point. It’s history – not prophecy. How fortunate are the people who can look at their baggage that way.

Most of us carry our baggage right up front.

We may wear it like a chip on our shoulder just waiting for someone to knock it off.

We may keep it on speed dial so we can play it back to anyone who gives us an opening to share how pitifully life has treated us.

We may keep our baggage on instant recall so we can pull it up frequently to ruminate on how much we’ve suffered.

Baggage vs. Resolutions

It’s the baggage that destroys our resolve to do anything good!

A review of our baggage always produces negative thinking that always creates excuses.

• We failed before; we’ll fail again
• Overweight is the new chic. We don’t want to be too thin.
• Clutter is the result of keeping busy
• Better the devil you know than the one your don’t (old habits vs. new habits)

Negative thinking will always win

I should say, it will always win unless we know how to deal with our negative thinking. Don’t you think your resolutions are worth getting rid of the negative thinking?

Negative thinking does not have to win. Learn more.

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I’ve said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends using the buttons below; and (3) sign up to get an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for our subsequent posts. Thanks again!

Do You Ever Want to Hit Someone?

Anger!!!

This is just us taking here. Nobody’s taking notes. Tell the truth. How many times in the recent years have you gotten so angry with someone that you thought about hitting them?

How many times, again just between us, did you actually hit someone in anger?

_____ made me do it

“She just gets in my face all the time.” “I don’t have the money to pay the bills.” “I work hard and there’s supposed to be supper and a cold beer waiting when I get home.”

I gave some male-oriented provocations excuses. I’m sure you can fill in the blank with your own excuses, especially if you had some real numbers in mind when I asked the questions at the top. Take a moment. Think about your favorite personal excuses. Say them out loud, if you’re in a place where you can. Think about what your excuses sound like away from the heat of battle.

I can’t help it

Most domestic abusers feel great remorse after the episode. They beg for forgiveness and promise no repeat. It’s always, “I couldn’t help it,” or “I lost control for a minute.”

I don’t doubt the sincerity of what is said after the fact. It’s pure guilt; but it’s totally true.

Breaking down the abuse

I suggest eight parts in the sequence of an abusive episode:

1. A word spoken – angry, critical, questioning – words
2. A response – probably an inner clinching of the emotional sphincter – a thought.
3. An expansion – replaying the thought and letting it grow and grow – rumination.
4. A reaction – probably angry words exchanged. The emotional sphincter gets tighter and tighter; choking off reason and release – exchange
5. The verbal battle ensues – escalation.
6. The sphincter bursts and a punch is thrown – violence.
7. Immediate remorse with apologies, tears, and expressions of love.
8. Abusive events always happen again.

Keep in mind that this is a layperson’s list. Would you agree that it’s sort of logical?

Breaking the cycle

I’m talking to the abuser now. Look at the list above. There is only one step in the list where you can do anything to effectively end the altercation.

2. A response – … – a thought.

If you had known how to dismiss that initial thought and walk away; and if you had known how to dismiss the ubiquitous follow-up thought of “You can’t give in! That means you’re weak”; then the fight would be over and no harm done.

The problem still has to be solved. But learning how to deal with the negative thoughts gains you some thought space to work on a good solution.

There are always answers – but good answers ALMOST NEVER come from intense emotions.

You can create the space in your life. Look for it today!

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I’ve said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends using the buttons below; and (3) sign up to get an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for our subsequent posts. Thanks again!

“All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth”

You may remember the title song. It’s a novelty Christmas song written in 1944 by Donald Yetter Gardner while he was teaching music at public schools in Smithtown, New York. He asked his second grade class what they wanted for Christmas, and noticed that almost all of the students had at least one front tooth missing as they answered in a lisp. Gardner wrote the song in 30 minutes and as they say, “The rest is history.”

Do you have a Christmas dream?

Most of us do; except for those of us who have given up on ever seeing our wish granted.

Some of us dream of a restored relationship. But every time we start thinking about the relationship, we start rummaging up everything that happened to destroy the relationship and we get all angry, hurt, revengeful or bitter again; and again; and again.

Someone said, “Forgive and Forget.” What a curious sentiment; as if it’s my fault that he/she abused me and/or said all those ugly things to me. Both forgiving and forgetting are incredibly difficult to achieve especially if the other party hasn’t shown no remorse or may not even be aware of the offense in some cases.

There’s a better way – simply don’t think about it any more. I promise you that is something you can learn to do. Then when you have a bit of clear thinking (peace) perhaps you can decide on a rational course of action to restore the relationship.

Some of us dream of being forgiven for something we did for which forgiveness has not been offered. But when we start reflecting on the rift, we are overwhelmed by feelings of guilt, shame, or embarrassment all over again; and again; and again.

Better to learn how to not think about what we did. Perhaps in one of the peaceful interludes of not thinking about it, you’ll discover an approach to reconciliation.

Some of us dream of freedom from the stress of life like bills, repairs, a bad job, ungrateful family members, unneighborly neighbors; barking dogs; all seem to steal our peace and eventually our health if the stress continues. If we try to deal with one of these stressful issues, very often the thoughts of futility, failure, envy of those who have, and resentment of those who aren’t sharing our load gang up to beat us into submission again; and again; and again.

Better to find a way to not dwell on the issues and take advantage of the relatively calm emotional moment that provides to think of ways to resolve the issue; not just to survive it.

You have the authority

Two front teeth  – we haven’t thought about that since we were seven or eight. The other unfulfilled dreams come daily for many of us.

You have the authority to not think about anything you don’t want to think about. I learned how to do that. You can too.

God bless,

P.S. BTW, the moments of peace that we gain by not thinking about negative things begin to connect together; and we can enjoy longer and longer periods of personal peace.

Merry Christmas!

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I’ve said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends using the buttons below; and (3) sign up to get an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for our subsequent posts. Thanks again!

Can You See The Candle of Peace?

Candle of Peace

The Candle of Peace

We lit another Advent Candle in church this week – the second one  – , the Candle of Peace. It was announced that, “ We light this candle to remind us that our Lord Jesus brings peace to all who trust in Him.”

I’ll focus in this post on a more temporal peace; let’s call it “walking-around peace,” instead of eternal peace.

Defining Peace

Peace is defined these two ways (there are other, more general definitions):

1. a state of mutual harmony in personal relationships:
2. Freedom from disquieting or oppressive thoughts or emotions.

I’d like to ask you two questions:

1. Can you truthfully say that your own life fully satisfies both definitions of peace?
2. How many people do you know whose lives demonstrated true peace according to those definitions?

I suspect that you answers contained some form of “No” and “Not many.”

What’s the Problem?

The fundamental problem lies in the second definition where it talks about “disquieting or oppressive thoughts or emotions.”

Society today is sharply focused on “self.”

• “Don’t you get up in my face!.”
• “You better respect me!”
• “I deserve . . .”
• “I have the right to . . .”
• “I don’t have to take that.”
• “Don’t be minding my business.”

Whenever somebody gets in our space, either accidentally or intentionally, all kinds of emotions erupt like a volcano: anger, fear, loathing, flight, fight.

And we record any such offense so we can replay the offense time and time again whenever it suits us.

It suits us when we want some sympathy and nobody gives us any. Answer – recall a painful event and feel sorry for ourselves.

It suits us when we feel the need to assert ourselves and there’s nobody around for us to assert upon. Solution – recall a painful event and assert ourselves vicariously.

It suits us when we see somebody that reminds us of that low-down, scheming . . .

It suits us when we’re alone wishing for a friend.

It suits us when we’re in a crowd wishing we were somewhere else.

If we could keep accurate records of all the times we entertain disquieting or oppressive thoughts or emotions, we would be amazed. Most of us spend some time each day stewing over a wrong suffered or suffering guilt over our own shortcomings.

And this rumination on negative thoughts and emotions can destroy us – physically and emotionally.

Life Doesn’t have to be that Way

If you could dismiss just one of those negative thoughts, a glimmer might reach you from your candle of peace – just a flicker.

If you could handle more of those negative thoughts, the flicker becomes a flame – small but steady.

If you could handle all those negative emotions, the candle of peace will glow brightly; giving you the light necessary to make important decisions that will have a long-term effect on your daily peace and your relationships; and will open the door to lasting peace.

Seek peace and you will find it. That’s a promise.

God bless,

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I’ve said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends using the buttons below; and (3) sign up to get an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for our subsequent posts. Thanks again!

 

Your Personality – M&M’s or Barbed Wire?

An Island of Peace in a Troubled World

Often without realizing it, we frequently react to the personality of someone we meet or even someone we see.

A brief definition would be that personality is made up of the characteristic patterns of thoughts, feelings and behaviors that make a person unique. In addition to this, personality arises from within the individual and remains fairly consistent throughout life.

I like the last phrase about personality being fairly consistent throughout life. I like it because it implies that our personality is inherently part of us from our birth. That tells me that we are made to enjoy life. I just can’t see someone “made in the image of God” being made with a bent toward evil or even unhappiness.

In the last posting, we talked about individuality. Picture an M&M made up of a hard candy shell and a soft chocolate center. It’s not too far-fetched to think of the shell as our individuality; as what makes us stand out in the world or as the defense we create against melting in someone’s hand.  And we can think of our personality as the soft chocolate center with the characteristics that are inherent within us; joy, peace, satisfaction, etc.

Richard Carlson talks at length about an inherent capacity for happiness. Maybe it’s our personality he’s talking about. – that built-in part.

So What Happens

But let’s get real here. We all know people who have the personality of barbed wire. I have a theory about how personality gets from “M&M-Center” to “barbed-wire.”

Simply put, life happens. Some of us are always able to handle disappointments with a smile. Nothing ever gets us down.

Others store up disappointments like a bank account. We keep an internal scoreboard where we tally all the hurts, offenses, criticisms, put-downs, failures. And being good stewards, we routinely take our scoreboards out and review them; we think about the offenses; we relive the hurts; we suffer the failures all over again.

Before long, this scoreboard becomes a jumbotron that everybody sees. The negativity completely clouds or hides our personality.

Sounds Grim

It does sound grim, but it doesn’t have to be. Like a frost-covered window, we can clear a little space by taking command of just one of our negative thoughts. We talk about how to do this in Finding Personal Peace.

We can see through the window a little bit. If we keep dealing with negative thinking (the jumbotron of hurts) before long, we can see a beautiful scene which is what we’re truly like without the negativity.

Picture a tiny tropical island. It’s beautiful with the waves crashing ashore.

Now picture the island surrounded by murky water; water made muddy by negative thinking roiling around within us.

When we control the negative thinking, the water becomes sparkling clear and we begin to see the beauty that exists below. The tiny island is but the tip of a great mountain with colorful fish, bright coral reefs, and all sorts of amazing creatures.

Our Personality

Our personality can be like a jewel if we let it shine. We can let it shine by dealing with all the negativity we have accumulated.

Go for it!

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I’ve said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends using the buttons below; and (3) sign up to get an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for our subsequent posts. Thanks again!

Individuality

Individuality – A Threat to Peace

What is Individuality?

Wow, what a great sounding word – I N D I V I D U A L I T Y! That’s all we hear from Hollywood. We deserve! We have the right to ___!

One definition is “the interests of the individual as distinguished from the interests of the community.”

Oswald Chambers describes individuality as “the hard outer layer surrounding the inner spiritual life.” We too often see individuality shoving others aside; separating and isolating; creating division instead of unity and peace.

Most agree that the characteristics of individuality are independence and self-will. In view of that let me ask you these questions:

• How can two individuals build a relationship when each persists in maintaining their own individuality?
• How can conflicts be resolved when each protagonist insists on their own rights first?

I submit that individuality is the primary barrier to building and maintaining relationships; and the primary barrier to personal peace.

• The world’s view of individuality asserts pride over forgiveness; as in, so-and-so hurt my feelings. I don’t have to put up with that.
• The same world view demands respect forgetting that respect is earned, not God-given.
• Individuality says “you go first” then if I feel vindicated, I’ll respond.

Maintaining Individuality in Relationships

I’m not suggesting that we always submit our individuality. That would be subservience in the worst form and would be very harmful to us.

There are very often times when we have to weigh our individuality against the value of the relationship. If we can yield without compromising our integrity, morals, or personal beliefs, and the relationship is meaningful to us, then we need to subordinate our individuality for the health of the relationship.

If compromise requires us to devalue ourselves emotionally, ethically or morally, then we need to look long and hard at the value of the relationship.

Dangers of Abused Individuality

Abused individuality is what makes us stew over and over again because somebody offended us.

Abused individuality never forgets a wrong suffered. In fact it actively keeps count.

Abused individuality always puts it’s own self-interest above the interests of the whole, be it a couple, a family, an office staff, a committee, or a church.

Abused individuality will absolutely destroys your peace.

But abused individuality is not a permanent condition. In fact, it can be dealt with much easier than you think.

My Story

I was exercising my individuality for years every time I got angry over the men who had hurt my family. The problem is that my individuality was costing me every relationship that was important. I learned how to balance my individuality with the importance of my relationships. You can, too!

I put the how-to online.

God bless,

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