James’ Story – Living Life as a Loser

“No Way!” James almost shouted at his best friend, Robert. The boys, both eleven, had been friends since pre-school. They were walking home from school and Robert had made a ridiculous suggestion that they should join the Boy Scouts.

“Scouts are just losers and dorks,” James continued. “Besides, they would never accept us. We don’t know anybody in Scouts!”

James had always felt like a loser. Well, not always. Just since his mother had married that guy. James never knew his dad who had died when James was a baby. For three years it had been just James and his mom. Then she married again, and James’ life had taken a turn for the worse.

The guy never physically abused James. He just never accepted or approved anything James did.

If James built a stack of blocks, the guy would get up to get a beer and kick the blocks as he walked by.

Whatever James was watching on TV, the guy would always change the channel telling James he was watching crap.

James couldn’t sit right (quit squirming), eat right (don’t eat so fast; or don’t mess around with your food), play right (you throw like a girl), or sleep right (don’t wet the bed, even though James never did).

He either ignored or ridiculed James’ good school work and simply ignored the rest.

Whenever Mom would pull James into her lap and cuddle with him, the guy would tell her to stop wasting her time on that loser and then stomp out of the room. Mom would sadly slide James out of her lap and follow the guy.

James felt like everything he did was going to be criticized or put down. He did his school work and prayed when he turned it in that Teacher would not call on him to read his report or even to answer a question.

He didn’t like sports because there were too many opportunities to screw up. He and Robert played ball, skated, and shot baskets together, but James wouldn’t put himself at risk in front of anyone else.

So James truly believed himself a loser and then later when he and Robert began playing video games, he decided he had become a nerd, too.

James and Robert were great friends and spent all their free time together. Robert was only a little less a loser than James, in James’ opinion, but that was okay. They were comfortable doing things together and could talk freely.

Robert once had asked James why he felt he was a loser. James had thought about that a lot. The only thing he could figure out was that when he started to do something, anything, he would think about that guy putting him down. Even just lying in bed thinking about doing something new would flood his mind with the times the guy would belittle him or his mother would give in to the guy. His thoughts always told him he was an incompetent loser.

Even though his mother had divorced the guy when James was eight, even now, three years later, he could still hear the guy calling him a loser.

Now that he had a friend in Robert who accepted him, James was sort of content. Things weren’t great, but they weren’t awful either.

Then Robert had started talking about the Scouts. It sounded interesting to do the things Scouts do, but James knew that it was just a matter of time before they noticed what a loser he was and he’d have to sit on the log in the dark farthest from the campfire.

Today Robert had said they should go to the meeting in the church basement tonight and James had called them all losers and dorks.

Robert laughed. “Then it’s a perfect fit. You say you’re a loser and a dork; and you say they are losers and dorks. Couldn’t be better! I’ll come by your house at 6:30 and we’ll walk to the church.”

Robert’s only fault that bugged James sometimes was that he could so easily turn James’ words into a logical argument against him. James shrugged and gave in, even though he certainly wasn’t excited at the prospect.

Robert had somehow come up with two application forms and he gave one to James to have his mother complete. She gave him a check for the enrollment fee and the Scout Handbook like it said in the application.

At 6:30, Robert showed up and they strolled over to the meeting.

It wasn’t too bad. James and Robert knew a few of the boys from school. There were two other new kids. They didn’t know the older boys and some of the scouts were home-school boys from around town who they didn’t know. The adults made all the new boys feel welcome and most of the kids introduced themselves.

One of the older boys gave a presentation about an upcoming camp-out and then they broke up into small groups to work on rank, whatever that meant. James and Robert and a few other boys were in a group called Basic Scouts led by a fourteen year-old named Michel.

Michael gave them new Scout Handbooks and they looked at the section for earning the first rank of Scout. It involved mostly memorizing and reciting stuff like the Scout Law and the Scout Oath and James decided he could do that. Maybe he could even recite it in a small group like this.

James and Robert decided as they walked home to work on the Law and Oath and recite it next week at the meeting.

Over several weeks, they enjoyed the meetings and James was able to pass his Scout requirements including one overnight campout. And they started working on Tenderfoot in a class led by Garth, a freshman in high school. There were five boys working on Tenderfoot.

The biggest requirement was a camp-out that was scheduled for a weekend next month. At the campout they would learn all sorts of things like map reading, how to build a campfire, and how to sharpen and handle a knife and hatchet. They would learn the first aid stuff and other stuff in scout meetings.

James started getting nervous. Garth picked up on it and asked him about it after the meeting. James told him that he didn’t usually do well on new stuff and he was afraid he would make a mistake. Garth assured him he wouldn’t let James to that.

The next week, Scoutmaster Jenkins came over and watched the tenderfoot group work. When they finished the practice splints, Mr. Jenkins asked James if he had a minute for a Scoutmaster conference. James didn’t know what this was, but he agreed and they went over to the table where the Assistant Scoutmaster was sitting.

Mr. Jenkins asked James how things were going so far and James responded with the right answers, he hoped. He must have been doing okay because the conversation kept going with both men asking questions about the activities and with James responding.

This was new for him. He wasn’t used to people other than teachers showing him this kind of respect. Then Mr. Jenkins asked James to describe himself as he thought other people saw him.

After a pause, James slowly replied, “I think that most people think I’m a nerd; maybe even a loser. I don’t do things very well and I make a lot of mistakes.”

When James didn’t say anything else, Mr. Jenkins responded, “James, here at scouts, we have not formed that opinion of you at all. I talked with Garth and Michael and they both tell me that you are very capable and that your work is as good as any other new scout.”

“James,” he continued, “I don’t want to know your story because that’s personal with you; but I suspect that when you do new things or when you’re around new people, you start thinking about what a loser you are and how you’re going to mess up. Is that about right?”

Sort of surprised about how Mr. Jenkins knew that, James acknowledged, “Yes, sir.”

“James, you did very well with the Scout Law. Can I share with you three more laws that aren’t in the Scout Handbook? I call them ‘Life Laws’.”

“Yes, sir”

Three Life Laws

Life Law 1 – Whenever a thought enters your mind that will cause you pain or keep you from being the best you can be, you say to yourself out loud, “I will not think about that.” When the thought comes back, and it will, you say it again, “I will not think about that.”

Mr. Jenkins explained that this idea had been around for thousands of years and it’s even mentioned in the Bible. “We simply do not have to let negative thoughts control our lives,” he said.

He explained that we can get so distracted by negative thinking that we sometimes aren’t able to do the things what we’re perfectly capable of doing.

“The reason this works so well is Life Law 2.”

Life Law 2 – When you consistently practice the first law, negative thoughts will come to you less and less frequently until you really don’t think about them at all.

He explained that we all have a part of our mind, called the subconscious, which has the role of helping us be happy and content. If our subconscious thinks that we are happy thinking about negative things and getting all worked up all the time, it will keep feeding us those negative thoughts so we can be happy.

But if our subconscious hears us saying “I will not think about that,” consistently, it will learn over time that we don’t really want to think about those things and it will stop sending those negative thoughts to us. It’s like our subconscious blocks those negative thoughts and temptations automatically.

Mr. Jenkins said that he’s sure this works because he has shared the Three Life Laws with his own family and employees and with dozens of scouts; and it works every time. He said they all have learned to break the habit of negative thinking and create the habit of peace.

Life Law 3 – Use your habit of peace to make the best decisions for you and your family.

When we’re not spending all our time thinking about negative things, we have peace. We can use this peaceful time to think about ways to get along better with others, to do the right things, and to better ourselves for the future.

He asked James if the laws made sense to him. When James responded with a “yes,” Mr. Jenkins continued.

“Here’s what I want you to do. Put this index card in your Scout Handbook. Notice that I have put blocks for each day of the week. Every time you discover a negative thought has popped into your mind, I want you to say out loud to yourself, ‘I will not think about that.’ If you’re in class or church or someplace where talking would be inappropriate, put your hand over your mouth like you’re yawning and say softly, ‘I will not think about that.’

“Then put a check mark on the card in the block for that day every time you dismiss one of those negative thoughts. Bring the card back with you next week. Will you do this?”

James probably looked a little doubtful. Mr. Jenkins suggested, ”James, I suspect that you have a negative thought right now telling you that this idea will never work for you. This is a good place to start.”

James smiled and said, “Yes, sir.” As he walked back to his group, he said to himself, “I will not think about this.”

Garth brought him up to date on the camp-trip planning. “James, you have the assignment of helping plan a menu and a budget for making macaroni and cheese for 30 people. Work with your mother and use any resources you have to bring that back to our meeting next week.”

On the way home, Robert was going on about his assignment which was working on a plan to break down the campsite and making sure that everything was back as close to nature as it could be.

Then he asked James about his meeting with Mr. Jenkins. James told him about the Three Life Laws and his assignment for the week. He made Robert promise not to laugh if he heard James saying to himself, “I will not think about that.” Robert promised.

Over the week, he noticed something interesting about his card. The first day he just about filled up the space for check marks meaning he had dismissed a bunch of negative thoughts. The next day, there was two less. He thought back through his day and decided that he hadn’t forgotten anything.

Each day the number of checks was one or two less than the day before. When he gave the card back to Mr. Jenkins at the next scout meeting, Mr. Jenkins smiled and said, “That’s exactly what I expected you to show me.” He then gave James a fresh card and suggested that he keep on applying Life Law 1.

Garth was pleased with his planning for the mac and cheese and he assigned both James and Robert to be on the shopping team to buy the provisions.

The next week, Mr. Jenkins noted his continued progress and told James that Life Law 2 was beginning to work for him; his subconscious was actually giving him fewer and fewer negative thoughts. The card was the evidence.

He began to apply Life Law 1 to other things; like, dreading handing in an assignment, an occasional thought about the guy his mother had married, or worrying that he was going to do something dorky in PE at school.

James and Robert had a great time sharing a tent on the camping trip. The scouts loved his macaroni and cheese. The older scouts led the advancement tasks and all of them congratulated both boys when they passed all their remaining Tenderfoot requirements.

School was more fun and James even surprised himself by suggesting that he and Robert go out for Little League.

James was so excited about the Three Life Laws, he taught him to Robert to use with a couple of issues he had talked about.

James and Robert earned two merit badges that spring and planned to earn more at summer camp. Even though he wasn’t even Second Class yet, James already had a plan for earning his Eagle rank by ninth grade.

As James and Robert walked home from baseball one day, Robert chided him; “James, you know what? You’re not a loser any more; or a dork either.”

James laughed and replied, “I’ll never feel what way again. I know now what to do when of any negative thought pops into my mind.”

He went on, “I don’t know what I’m going to be, but I know I’m going to do something where I can share the Three Life Laws with all the little losers and dorks I can find.”

“Great plan,” Robert said as they high-fived. They laughed and talked about summer camp the rest of the way home.

The end.

This fictional story introduces a principle that has been around for thousands of years. In addition to the Bible, philosophers like Confucius, Marcus Aurelius, Shakespeare, and others have written or spoken about our wonderful capacity to train ourselves not to ruminate on negative thoughts and to minimize the effects of emotional or physical pain in our lives. The danger of ruminating on emotional pain is, in addition to more pain, stress, depression, anxiety, emotional issues, and worse.

Children can easily understand the simple principles of the Three Life Laws. The laws work for many negative emotions that result from almost any negative thinking.

Although the author was a volunteer scout leader in years past, this story in no way claims to be representative of official BSA policy or programs.

 This concept is explained fully in an online eCourse called Finding Personal Peace – http://findingpersonalpeace.com. The course leads you through these life laws and also covers topics like making good decisions, and dealing with serious stuff like death, illness, abuse, and addiction.

The eCourse leads one through a process of turning a habit of being a loser into a habit of success. You can read other short stories on life issues by searching the category, Short Stories, at the right.

Copyright 2014 findingpersonalpeace.com. Birmingham, Al USA. All rights reserved.

Cody’s Story – A Teen Deals with Past Sexual Abuse

(Be advised that this story has a mature theme and care should be used in sharing it with children.)

Cody was about as miserable as a fifteen-year-old could be. He felt worthless. He alternated between anger and shame. It was getting worse and he didn’t know what to do about it.

Cody had never talked to anybody about how he felt. He knew he would be ridiculed if anybody knew his secret. But it was like pressure building up inside and it was going to explode somewhere, someday.

It had started when he was maybe three years old. The people who lived next door at the time had a teenage son named Max.

Max was fun to be around. He played ball with Cody in the backyard. He helped Cody’s dad with some of the chores around the yard. Everybody liked Max. Cody remembered his parents talking at supper about what a nice young man he was.

One day Max asked Cody to come over to their yard to see the new puppies in their shed.

After Cody had seen the puppies, Max had told Cody to come over to the bench where he was sitting. Max started rubbing his hand against Cody’s pants. He then took Cody’s hand and rubbed it against his pants.

Cody felt like this wasn’t a good thing to do, but Max told him that it was something that buddies did all the time. But it was something that they had to keep secret. Max said grownups had secrets and it was okay for kids to have secrets. If he told his parents, he couldn’t come over and see the puppies again and they couldn’t play ball in the yard anymore.

Cody said he had to go home and he walked away. He didn’t really understand what had happened, but maybe Max was right; maybe it was okay to have secrets together.

Similar things happened from time to time and Max always told him has great it was to keep a secret.

Then Max asked Cody’s mom if he could babysit sometime. He needed to earn some money and wasn’t old enough to get a job in a store or something. Mom talked it over with Dad and since they liked Max and Cody and he got along, they started asking Max to babysit.

Mom would always have Cody bathed and ready for bed when Max arrived, but Max would make a big deal of playing on Cody’s bed at bedtime.

Max started taking Cody’s clothes down and touching Cody all over. They would make a game of tickle and see who would laugh first. Max would tickle Cody under his clothes and always asked Cody to do the same thing to him.

Max began hurting Cody sometimes and made Cody cry. Max would quickly apologize and promise not to hurt him again. He always reminded Cody that this was their secret and everybody would hate him if they found out.

Cody remembered this happening more and more. But Max and his family moved that summer and Cody never saw him again.

At age five, Cody decided that he would just keep the secret and pretend that nothing had ever happened; after all, Max was gone.

Life was pretty good for a kid growing up those days. Little League, Cub Scouts and church activities and school kept Cody busy. Sometimes he would go for weeks without being reminded of what had happened before.

When his friends talked about sexual things like boys always do, Cody would feel strange and not quite comfortable joining in their laughter.

As his teen years unfolded and Cody became more aware of human sexuality, he became more and more convinced that he had done something terribly wrong and shameful.

But he just couldn’t talk to anyone about it. He was positive that everything that had happened was his fault. In fact, he remembered Max telling him that they wouldn’t be doing this but for Cody wanting to be touched and wanting to touch Max.

Cody didn’t know what that meant at the time, but he often felt overwhelmed with the knowledge of what he had done.

He became more and more guilty. He didn’t enjoy hanging out with the guys and he certainly couldn’t be interested in girls because of his shame. He felt dirty.

If he kept busy with school work or activities, it didn’t hurt so much. But when he had time to sit and think, the painful thoughts rolled over him like waves. He wanted to cry; he wanted to scream, but mostly he just sat and slowly died inside.

Then people started hearing about what had happened at the university up north where a coach was accused of hurting little boys.

Coach Martin, the junior-varsity football coach sat all the boys down one day and talked to them about inappropriate sexual behavior. Cody felt like he was wearing a red sign as he sat there in the classroom listening quietly. He was cringing inside.

Some of the boys snickered and made a joke between themselves. Coach Martin was quick to call them down and point out the seriousness of what he was talking about.

He talked about the danger of any situation where a child and an adult were alone together if the adult was not one of their parents. He told them that if there were ever a situation where that happened, they should say they had to leave; and get up and walk away. Even if they didn’t know where to go, they should walk first and find a policeman to help them. If they couldn’t find a policeman, they could call 911 or ask a nearby adult to call for help.

He then told them that if any one of them wanted to talk privately, that he and Assistant Coach Benson would be willing to meet with them and talk. They promised privacy unless they all agreed to go forward.

Cody argued with himself for days. One side of his mind said he should talk to Coach; the other side said that everything had been his fault and he would be too ashamed to tell anybody.

Finally Cody decided he had to talk to someone so he asked Coach Martin if they could talk. Coach Martin said that he and Coach Benson would be in his classroom sixth period that day if Cody wanted to check out of study hall and come by.

Cody agreed.

He was so afraid that he almost didn’t go. But he got a pass to go to Coach Martin’s classroom, sucked up his courage, and walked in.

Coach Martin started by telling him that whatever he said would be private; but if he wanted to talk to someone else, he and Coach Benson would be there to support Cody.

It was like after the first word escaped his shame, the dam broke. Cody told them everything that had happened. He told them that Max had moved and that he had tried to forget about what had happened.

The most important thing is that both men listened quietly and carefully to Cody. That meant a lot.

When Cody had said about all he wanted to say, Coach Martin asked him if he could respond to some of his comments.

He told Cody that when a older person had sexual contact with a child that it was NEVER the child’s fault that it happened. He repeated that and asked Cody if he could accept that it was not his fault.

He then said that he was required by law to report sexual abuse, but that he and Coach Benson agreed that they would respect Cody’s privacy. Otherwise, they felt that Cody would be unwilling to talk with them in the future.

Coach Benson joined in to assure Cody that neither he nor Coach Martin had lost any respect for Cody because of what happened; in fact, they respected him more for having the courage to come forward.

They asked Cody if he would be willing for the three of them to talk with his parents. Cody wasn’t quite ready to do that.

Coach Martin asked Cody if they could meet again because he had some things he wanted to share that might be helpful. They agreed to meet again two days later when Cody had another free period.

Cody felt a little better, but he still was wracked by the painful memories of what had happened and the conviction that it may have been his fault. At least Coach Martin and Coach Benson were not judging Cody and accusing him of doing something wrong.

The next time they met, Coach Benson gave Cody a page with five facts on it.

Fact 1:  Cody’s thoughts belonged to him and nobody could make him think about anything he didn’t want to think about.

Fact 2:  Whenever a painful thought popped into his mind, he could send it away by saying out loud to himself, “I will not think about that!”

Fact 3:  The more negative thoughts he sent away, the more his subconscious mind would learn that “sending it away” was the response Cody wanted and his subconscious would start to make that response automatically.

Fact 4:  As time passed, negative thoughts would pop up less and less often.

Fact 5:  Each time a negative thought was sent away, Cody would have a period of peaceful thinking where he could make better decisions about what he should do.

They encouraged him to keep up with the number of times each day that he sent a thought away, and write the number on his calendar. If he wanted to, he could share his numbers with Coach Martin or Coach Benson. They reminded Cody that they were there for him.

They praised Cody again for his courage and Cody left.

“Why not try it,” he thought. So when the next thought about Max popped into his mind, he said out loud, “I will not think about that.” Sure enough, it went away; at least for a moment.

When another thought popped up, he sent it away again saying, “I will not think about that.”

In all, he did that about 40 times that first evening. But he noticed for sure that the thoughts were going away, however briefly.

He was busy the next day, but that evening he sent negative thoughts away 37 times.

As the days passed, the numbers he wrote on the calendar got smaller and the peaceful times got longer.

After about a week, he saw Coach Martin in the hall and told him, “23 down from 40,” and earned a smile and pat on the shoulder from Coach Martin.

The next week the number averaged 16. Then 11. Then he went an entire week without having to deal with a negative thought at all.

He was using that time to think about what he should do about Max. He didn’t know where he was and he certainly didn’t want to face him alone.

He decided that he would ask Coach Martin to go with him to talk with his parents about what had happened.

He was still afraid, but he told his parents that something had happened and he wanted to talk with them and he wanted Coach Martin to be there too.

It amazed him that they were so loving and accepting him over what had happened. They agreed that it was not his fault and they didn’t blame him at all. If fact, they apologized to Cody for setting up the babysitting in the first place.

They all decided that confronting Max was something that would be better done by the police so Cody and his parents went to the police station the next day. The rest would be up to the police. The most important thing would be for them to make sure that Max wasn’t abusing anybody else.

For the first time in years, Cody went to sleep without anxiety. He was confident that he could face any future issue with the tools he had learned.

And Cody resolved that if he ever was given the opportunity to help someone else like Coach Martin and Coach Benson had helped him, he would do it.

It felt good to go to sleep peacefully.

Note to parents:

This fictional story introduces a principle that has been around for thousands of years. In addition to the Bible, philosophers like Confucius, Marcus Aurelius, Shakespeare, and others have written about our wonderful capacity to train ourselves not to ruminate on negative thoughts. The danger of rumination is stress, depression, anxiety, emotional issues, and worse.

Your children can understand the simple principle that “if I think a lot about something that makes me sad, I can choose not to think about it.”

This concept is explained fully in an online eCourse called Finding Personal Peace – http://findingpersonalpeace.com.

The eCourse leads one through a process of turning a habit of sadness into a habit of peace.

The concept works for virtually every negative emotion that results from negative thinking.

The writer is aware that the fictional coaches probably broke policy by not reporting the abuse immediately. Had the abuse been ongoing they would certainly have reported it to protect Cody. They felt that Cody’s willingness to open up was more important to his well-being than was strict adherence to the policy. They felt they had one chance to earn Cody’s trust or lose it forever.

This story is fiction and any resemblance to any person living or dead is purely coincidental.

To read other short stories on life issues for kids and teens, click here.

Copyright 2013 findingpersonalpeace.com. Birmingham, Al USA. All rights reserved.

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Rachel’s Story

A Short Story About a Teen Dealing with Obesity

Rachel was fat! No matter what her best friend said, when a fifteen-year-old girl is five-feet-one and weighed 183 pounds, she was fat and she was sad.

She tried so hard to lose weight but she got no encouragement from anyone in her family. Her grandmother said she looked lots better than all those skinny girls. Gram even said she looked “healthy.” She just wouldn’t listen to Rachel’s concerns about being fat.

Gram took her to the doctor and the doctor agreed with Rachel. She gave Rachel some diet plans. The problem with the diet plans was that nobody-but-nobody got in Gram’s kitchen, but Gram. Gram had cooked the same way for 60 years and she wasn’t going to change now. Besides, Rachel’s brother, Reuben, played football and he needed all the weight that Gram could put on him.

So Rachel stayed fat.

Some of her friends said they could get some diet pills that would help curb her appetite.

Never!

Rachel’s mom had died of an overdose when Rachel was a baby. It didn’t have anything to do with diet pills, but the thought of any sort of pills just freaked her out. She wouldn’t even take Midol or aspirin when her cramps hurt so bad. She just couldn’t swallow pills; no way, no how.

Lots of kids liked Rachel. A few were cruel to her making snide remarks about “Fat Club” or “Wide Load.” The kids who liked her were often shaped about the same as Rachel, a pear with arms and legs.

Rachel had never had a boyfriend. For a long time, it didn’t bother her, but she was getting to the point where she would like to go to school dances and have a boyfriend to hang out with at the DQ in town.

Rachel played in the school band and enjoyed playing the alto sax, but the people who sell band uniforms ought to be sued. Nobody ever looked good in a uniform big enough to fit over her hips.

She had a good voice and sounded good in choir, but she was too short to stand on the back row any more, even with risers. She would like to sing a solo sometime, but no way was she going to volunteer to stand out front facing the audience. There are limits.

Since high school began, it had gotten worse. She was so conscious of her weight. The more she stressed, the more she ate. She started to worry that she would die of obesity by the time she graduated high school.

Shopping was hopeless. Nothing that she could afford on Gram’s limited budget made her look good. So she lived in pants and tops. She wasn’t about to wear shorts outside the house.

She just couldn’t feel accepted; maybe it was because she wouldn’t accept herself. So go get another piece of pie. At least it tasted good.

Rachel learned that obesity is not just an eating problem; obesity is an emotional problem, too. She read that we eat to give ourselves rewards. We eat to calm our nerves. We eat to stay busy. We eat when we’re bored. We eat to punish ourselves.

Rachel ate for all the above.

She would set goals; and then feel worthless when she didn’t even come close to reaching the goal.

Unfortunately, Rachel was good at math. She had gained 30 pounds in the last year. At that rate, by the time high school was over, she figured out she would weigh over 300 pounds. So she ate because she was depressed.

Everyone said she had a cute face. Well, no guy was ever going to want to kiss a cute face when he couldn’t even reach his arms around her shoulders to hold her close. So she ate another roll to get over that.

She had lived with Gram all her life and she knew all her neighbors. She didn’t know the family that had moved in down the street a couple of years ago very well. The woman, Marie, looked slim and full of energy; certainly enough energy to run a household with a husband and two children.

Rachel would always speak if Marie was outside and Marie responded with a warm smile.

Rachel must have looked particularly sad one day when she walked by because Marie asked if they could talk for a minute. Rachel thought that was okay so they sat down in two wicker chairs on Marie’s porch.

They chatted for a few minutes and then Marie got to the point.

“I’ve noticed that you seem to be unhappy when you walk by on the way to and from school. Is that a good guess?”

Rachel said it was.

“Can I assume that your unhappiness has something to do with your weight?” she continued.

Again, Rachel confirmed it, somewhat embarrassed.

“Rachel,” she began, “I don’t want to embarrass you, but can I share a little of my life story.”

A little uncertain, Rachel said that would be okay.

Marie’s story

“I was not a slim child; in fact, I was quite overweight. I don’t know why my husband was attracted to me, but I’m glad that he was because we got married and I became pregnant with my first child.”

“My doctor told me that I had a medical condition, the name doesn’t matter, that would make it very difficult for me to deliver my child safely without problems for both me and my baby.”

“I tried all sorts of diets and nothing seemed to work for me. I guess the stress of worrying about my weight made me eat even more so I actually added 30 pounds in the first half of my pregnancy.”

“I did a lot of reading and found some interesting things about my obesity.”

“I discovered that most of my extra weight came from eating to avoid the pain for growing up in the situation where I was reared. I won’t go into those details, but I had a lot of emotional pain growing up and I ate a lot to soothe that pain.”

“When I got to college and became somewhat independent, I stopped eating so much but I wasn’t able to loose the weight either. Perhaps I wasn’t motivated until I got pregnant.”

“Thinking about painful things is a choice. I learned that if a painful thought pops into my head, I can say to myself, ‘I will not think about that,’ and the thought would go away. It might come back, so I would say again, ‘I will not think about that.’”

“I also learned that emotional pain is often a habit and all habits can be broken. It just takes time. So I persisted in saying I will not think about that’ and over a period of weeks, I discovered that the negative thoughts simply were not popping up any more.”

“I held myself accountable by keeping a calendar in my kitchen and recording the number of times each day that I said, ‘I will not think about that.’ The number decreased pretty rapidly so that in just three or four weeks, I didn’t have to say it at all.”

“Then I had a curious thought. Would the same concept work for my weight problem?”

“I found three rules that helped me get my weight under control and keep it where it needs to be:”

“Rule #1:    ‘I weigh myself only once a week.’ When you’re tempted to step on the scale (another thought that you can contain), say this rule out loud to yourself. Set a time that’s convenient, say Sunday morning before you dress for church. If you think about weighing yourself any other time, say the rule to yourself. This will keep you from being discouraged on the days when you don’t show any weight loss.”

“Rule #2:    ‘I eat when I’m hungry and at no other time.’ If you are hungry, you must eat. Say this rule to yourself out loud several times a day. But you must be honest with yourself. There’s a difference in true hunger and simply wanting to eat something. If you ate a meal an hour ago, it is not logical that you are hungry again. Say this rule out loud as often as required.”

“Rule #3:    ‘I will enjoy my family and friends, but I will not break rule #2.’ If the family is sitting down to eat or you’re going out with friends and you’re not hungry, get yourself a cup of tea or a flavored beverage and enjoy the company. Don’t let well-meaning people coerce you into eating with them. Say the rule to yourself. Then say to them, ‘I’m really not hungry, thank you.’ Be kind; be cordial; but be firm with your family, your friends, and yourself.”

“So, Rachel, over some months by saying these rules out loud to myself, several times a day whenever it crossed my mind, I got my weight down to what it should be and I’ve kept it there. In fact, I continue to use the rules every day, virtually automatically.”

Then she asked, “Rachel, does that sound like something that you would like to do if I would help you?”

Rachel was almost overwhelmed. It was like Marie had been reading her mind about the negative thinking and about eating to ease the pain she sometimes felt.

“Marie, I would love to try this, if you think it will help me.”

“Great! Stop by tomorrow after school and I’ll have the rules written out and you can get started.”

The next day, Marie gave Rachel a sheet with the three rules and a weekly accountability log to keep up with her weight and the number of times she said the three rules to herself.

Rachel started that very day with Marie’s idea both for her negative thinking and the rules for weight loss.

It was hard to see any real progress, but by the end of the first week, she was saying, “I will not think about that” fewer times each day.

When she weighed herself on Sunday morning, she had lost a pound. She was elated; she had never lost even an ounce.

It was hard keeping rule #1 because she wanted to see progress every day. It was harder to keep rule #2 because she was in the habit of eating all the time. Marie had said that it would take time to break that habit.

But she persisted. She gave Marie a report on all accounts every Monday and Marie praised her for her results.

She was seeing other results, too. At school, her friends kept asking, “What’s up with you? We’ve never seen you like this.” They were seeing her beginning to relax and starting to feel a little better about herself.

Her Gram gave her jeans and a top for her birthday the next month and she had to take them back in exchange for a smaller size. What fun that was!

She was able to keep up with the Three Rules over the holidays and into the winter. In February, Michael, a trombone player in band, and a junior, asked her if she would be his date to the Junior-Senior Prom in April. She was thrilled and started looking for a dress with Gram.

She kept up with the rules and with managing what she let herself think about.

Michael invited her to a pool party for July 4^th. She did something she had never done before. She and a girlfriend went shopping for a swimsuit. She found a gorgeous modest two-piece with a lacy cover-up top. She never dreamed that she could look so good. And Michael was definitely pleased.

Rachel’s world was turned around completely by the Three Rules and the knowledge that she could manage her thoughts forever.

And she resolved that one day she would give another girl the gift that Marie had given her.

For the first time she could remember, Rachel felt really, really good about herself and about her life!

Note to parents:

This fictional story introduces a principle that has been around for thousands of years. In addition to the Bible, philosophers like Confucius, Marcus Aurelius, Shakespeare, and others have written about our wonderful capacity to train ourselves not to ruminate on negative thoughts. The danger of rumination is stress, depression, anxiety, emotional issues, and worse.

Your children can understand the simple principle that “if I think a lot about something that makes me sad, I can choose not to think about it.”

This concept is explained fully in an online eCourse called Finding Personal Peace – http://findingpersonalpeace.com.

The eCourse leads one through a process of turning a habit of sadness into a habit of peace.

The concept works for virtually every negative emotion that results from negative thinking.

If you want to put Marie’s Weight Loss Rules to work in your life, click here for the rules and an accountability log.            http://findingpersonalpeace.com/weightlossrules.pdf

This story is fiction and any resemblance to any person living or dead is purely coincidental.

To read other short stories on life issues for kids and teens, click here.

Copyright 2013 findingpersonalpeace.com. Birmingham, Al USA. All rights reserved.

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I’ve said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends using the buttons below; and (3) sign up to get an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for our subsequent posts. Thanks again!

Dylan’s Story

A Short Story About a Teen Dealing with Self-Esteem Issues

Seventeen-year-old Dylan was walking home from school. Trudging would be a better word. He really didn’t see the point of going to school. Most of his life he had felt like life just wasn’t worth the pain.

He’d wrecked his car and didn’t have the money to repair or replace it. He didn’t have an after-school job right now because his last employer had bossed him around telling him what to do and Dylan had walked out.

His parents were royal pains who didn’t understand him at all. They gave him decent clothes to wear and a house to live in; but they had to do that, didn’t they? They’d feel like they weren’t good parents if they didn’t do at least that much, not because they cared about him.

Dylan couldn’t remember a time that he felt good about himself. Even in grade school, he’d write a report for school and then not turn it in because his teacher would probably read it in front of the class and everybody would see how stupid he was.

Dylan used to be good at sports. He was one of the best soccer players in town when he played youth soccer; but his freshman coach wouldn’t let him play because of his grades; so he gave up sports.

He couldn’t do math well. In fourth grade, the teacher would always have the class exchange homework papers for grading. That always got the class lots of laughs when the kid grading Dylan’s paper announced that Dylan had gotten 2 out of 10 or sometimes 0 out of 10.

In seventh grade, his dad had spoken with his math teacher about getting some help from her. She said she was always willing to help Dylan; all he had to do was ask her.

The next day in class, Dylan waited patiently while other kids brown-nosed the teacher with silly questions. When his turn came, he asked for her help with a problem and she told him, “Dylan, you know how to do that. Go back to your seat and work on it.” He vowed never to ask a teacher for help again because she had disrespected him so much.

Dylan really got put off when things weren’t fair. He still get mad when he thought of the elementary school PE coach. When Dylan’s team scored a touchdown, two or three kids on the other team would always run to the coach claiming some foul. The coach, who didn’t have a clue, would say, “Boys, let’s be fair and run the play over again.”

Dylan wanted to scream, “FAIR! Fair is when we get the points for the touchdown we scored and the other boys get punished for lying.”

As Dylan figured it out, the problem with life is that not enough people respected and treated other people fairly, especially him.

Dylan and his friend, Jeff, were in a small youth group at his church. They had been asked to be on the leadership team and that felt good. Then the church brought in a new youth pastor who started recruiting kids from a nearby high school. When all the “cool” kids started coming, Dylan and Jeff were told they couldn’t be on the leadership team any more because “You don’t fit in with where we want to take the group.”

Was that fair? They had worked hard for the group; and they got shoved out because they dressed differently and liked rock music and skateboards. Talk about fair!

Sometimes Dylan would fly into a rage thinking about how he had been disrespected. He would scream ugly words at his parents and sometimes throw things.

When he calmed down, he always felt so bad and apologized; but he rationalized that you shouldn’t expect much more from somebody as worthless as he was.

Struggling with school; struggling at church; struggling at home; struggling at work; struggling with friends; Dylan fell further and further into despair. He felt more and more worthless.

Surprisingly, the one positive thing about Dylan was that he loved to read. He read novels; he read historical fiction; he read science fiction; he read history, especially books about the world wars; he read modern classics like “Lord of the Rings.”  Dylan loved to read and books often became a substitute for friends, probably too often.

One day he was browsing in a used book store and he found a book entitled “Stop Thinking, Start Living, Discover Lifelong Happiness” by Dr. Richard Carlson. He normally would pass right over something like that but the words, “lifelong happiness,” caught his attention.

It was a used book and someone had written inside the front cover, “Dear P, This book is a very late birthday present. I found this book very helpful and I hope you do too. Love and hugs. Uncle Oliver.”

And then he had written a poem . . .

“Life is full
and overflowing
with the new.

But it is necessary to empty out
the old to make room
for the new to enter.”

Dylan stood there for a long time looking at those words. If this meant so much to P’s Uncle Oliver that he gave it to P, maybe there was something in it for Dylan too. Maybe Uncle Oliver had given it to him, too.

So he paid the fifty cents and took the book home.

Over the next few days, Dylan learned 4 things from the book:

• He was created to be happy and fulfilled.
• He was missing out on being happy because he let himself be overwhelmed by thinking about negative things all the time.
• His thoughts belonged to him and he could choose not to think about things that made him unhappy.
• When he didn’t think about negative things, he allowed room and time in his mind to reflect on his life and on positive things he could do.

He was skeptical but he decided that he would give the idea a trial run to see if it would make any difference in his life. After all, it had worked for Uncle Oliver; and Dr. Carlson was so respectful of his readers. Dylan felt like Dr. Carlson was talking to him and that he understood Dylan’s life.

Dylan had read somewhere that it takes 21 days to break a habit, so he decided that he would try this idea for 21 days to see what might happen.

Whenever a negative thought popped into his head, he would say out loud to himself, “I will not think about that.”

At the end of each day, he would make a note on his calendar of how many times that day he had said, “I will not think about that.”

At first there wasn’t much difference each day. Then he realized that he was writing down smaller and smaller numbers. Maybe he wasn’t remembering, so he would go back over his day. No, he was remembering; and the thoughts were popping up less and less often.

Dylan noticed some other changes. He didn’t feel as sulky any more. He was smiling more when he was around people. People were talking to him at school.

He found a job in a photo shop and discovered that he liked talking with customers about their pictures. He also found that they appreciated when he was able to help them with their photo projects.

By the end of the 21 days, Dylan had written 0 twice on the calendar which meant that the negative thoughts weren’t popping up any more.

He went back to the book and found that when he said out loud to himself, “I’m not going to think about that,” he was, in fact, training his subconscious to automatically give that response even before the negative thoughts consciously started to pop up.

Dylan learned that Dr. Carlson was a psychologist and he found that he was intrigued by the concept that was working for him. His school offered an AP Psychology course and he signed up for the next semester.

He also found out that the local university had a well-known psychology department and he made plans to take the SAT and enroll there when he graduated.

Most of all, he found that he enjoyed sitting over a meal and talking with his parents. They were showing respect for his ideas and were encouraging him in his plans.

Dylan had discovered a truth that was stated best in a quote he had read by Mark Twain. “When people do not respect us we are sharply offended; yet deep down in his private heart no man much respects himself.”

To Dylan that meant that the reason people didn’t respect him was that he didn’t very much respect himself.

When he stopped thinking all the negative stuff, he was free to enjoy more of the positive stuff.

And for Dylan, that felt really good.

Note to parents:

This fictional story introduces a principle that has been around for thousands of years. In addition to the Bible, philosophers like Confucius, Marcus Aurelius, Shakespeare, and others have written about our wonderful capacity to train ourselves not to ruminate on negative thoughts. The danger of rumination is stress, depression, anxiety, emotional issues, and worse.

Your children can understand the simple principle that “if I think a lot about something that makes me sad, I can choose not to think about it.”

This concept is explained fully in an online eCourse called Finding Personal Peace – http://findingpersonalpeace.com.

The eCourse leads one through a process of turning a habit of sadness into a habit of peace.

The concept works for virtually every negative emotion that results from negative thinking.

This story is fiction and any resemblance to any person living or dead is purely coincidental.

To read other short stories on life issues for kids and teens, click here.

Copyright 2013 findingpersonalpeace.com. Birmingham, Al USA. All rights reserved.

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I’ve said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends using the buttons below; and (3) sign up to get an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for our subsequent posts. Thanks again!

Help Someone You Love Deal With Feeling Like A Loser Simply and Effectively

Do you think of yourself a loser? Everything you touch, or want, or love turns to disaster because you’re a loser. Life doesn’t have to be that way. You can find personal peace in a simple and effective way right there in the privacy of your home computer, laptop, iPad, or smart phone.

Does your life feel something like this?

No matter how hard I try, things just don’t get any better. Sometimes I think about suicide. Nobody likes me at school or work. I’m ugly and fat. Why can’t I be pretty (or handsome) like the popular girls (or guys). Why don’t I just end it? Nobody cares anyway. Nobody understands me. Nobody wants to talk to me.

Similar scripts are played out countless times every day. Playing the script doesn’t mean that the person is really inept or fat or ugly or has no friends. It means that they think that all those things are true and the thinking makes it so.

The cause and effect rule doesn’t apply here. We reason that if we think it, it is true; even if there is no logical or factual reason for it to be true.

Your thoughts become your own worst enemy. Thoughts act as a downer on your emotions. Those thoughts can continue for many years. When you let those thoughts take away your ability to do what you need to do, it can create an unhealthy situation for you.

If you let those thoughts lead you to feeling like a loser, to becoming overwhelmed, or to being incapable of dealing with the required daily routine of life, it reinforces the idea that you’re a loser. You need to do something about it.

In a moment, you’ll see a very simple process you can use as often as you like to overcome your “loser” feelings. Because I don’t want to leave you upset, I’m going to tell you about it and then direct you to try it – after you know what to expect.

Most negative emotions, however mild or intense, are initiated by a thought. The thoughts are typically about something that has happened in the past. It other words, it’s a memory that is bothering you – that makes you feel like you blew it again.

Right now, I want you to pause and think about something that leaves you feeling like a loser. But DON’T dwell on it. Immediately say out loud to yourself, “I’m not going to think about that.” If the thought comes back, say it again.

You’ll discover that the negative thought will go away, maybe only for a moment at first. It will go away every time you demand that it go away.

Getting over being a loser is so simple that many people have trouble accepting it. The most effective way to control negative thinking is to say to yourself, out loud, “I will not think about that.” Do it as often as necessary and do it out loud, “I will not think about that.”

In the absence of all the negative thinking, you’ll find more time where you are able to make good decisions about things that will help you become a winner.

Someone said, “That’s easier said than done.”

Not really. You have the innate authority to decide what you want to think about. If a thought causes you to feel like a loser, DON’T think that thought. It’s your choice. As you make that choice again and again, your subconscious remembers how you like to respond and will start to make your response automatically. It’s amazing how quickly this can happen.

Furthermore, you were made with a subconscious mind that has over time formed the opinion that you like being a loser. The process of choosing not to dwell on those thoughts will, over time, convince your subconscious that you do not want to think about that those things anymore. It’s this process that creates the habit of peace and breaks the habit of being a loser.

At some point, you won’t even realize you are thinking “loser” thoughts because your subconscious is automatically responding to the thoughts before they become conscious thoughts. How cool is that?

Nothing could be more effective than having your subconscious mind handle your “loser” thinking for you before you even think about it.

Resources you can use

Help someone you love deal with feeling like a loser. Take 3 minutes to learn more at http://findingpersonalpeace.com.

You can use this idea for just about any negative emotion or habit that bothers you including feeling like a loser.

I hope Finding Personal Peace helps you as much to stop feeling like a loser as it helped me with my anger.

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I’ve said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends using the buttons below; and (3) sign up to get an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for our subsequent posts. Thanks again!

Childhood Memories

Memories – The Best and The Worst of Life

All of us have memories of childhood. I trust that many have pleasant memories of family, friends, and good times.

Unfortunately, far too many people have memories that are still causing us pain today.

The small amount of Googling I did failed to produce a percentage of families that are dysfunctional. It’s hard to define dysfunctional because it could be said that anything that is not normal is dysfunctional. Then what is normal? It becomes a logical circle.

Unhealthy childhood memories

Do you have memories of your childhood that include any of these characteristics?

• Unrealistic expectations
• Ridicule
• Conditional love
• Disrespect; especially contempt
• Emotional intolerance (family members not allowed to express the “wrong” emotions)
• Social dysfunction or isolation (for example, parents unwilling to reach out to other families—especially those with children of the same gender and approximate age, or do nothing to help their “friendless” child)
• Stifled speech (children not allowed to dissent or question authority)
• Denial of an “inner life” (children are not allowed to develop their own value systems) maybe due to dogmatic or cult-like parenting.
• Being under- or over-protective
• Apathy “I don’t care!”
• Sibling abuse
• Abandonment
• Belittling “You can’t do anything right!”
• Shame “Shame on you!”
• Bitterness (regardless of what is said, using a bitter tone of voice)
• Hypocrisy “Do as I say, not as I do”
• Unforgiving “Saying sorry doesn’t help anything!”
• Judgmental statements or demonization “You are a liar!”
• Either no helpful criticism or excessive criticism
• Absentee parents (seldom available for their child due to work overload, alcohol/drug abuse, gambling or other addictions)
• Giving to one child what rightly belongs to another
• Gender prejudice (treats one gender of children fairly; the other unfairly)
• Discussion and exposure to sexuality: either too much, too soon or too little, too late
• Abuse (parents who use physical violence, or emotionally, or sexually abuse their children)
• Appeasement – rewarding faulty behavior to maintain peace
• Faulty discipline (i.e. punishment by “surprise”) based more on emotions or family politics than established rules
• Expecting perfection (fixating on order, prestige, power, and/or perfect appearances, while preventing their child from failing at anything)
• Overly protective – trying to prepare or protect a child in every contingency instead of letting the child learn how to deal with issues as they come along.
• Having an unpredictable emotional state due to substance abuse, personality disorder(s), or stress
• Parents always (or never) take their children’s side when others report acts of misbehavior, or teachers report problems at school
• Scapegoating (knowingly or recklessly blaming one child for the misdeeds of another)
• “Tunnel vision” diagnosis of children’s problems (for example, a parent may think their child is either lazy or has learning disabilities after he falls behind in school despite recent absence due to illness)
• Older siblings given either no or excessive authority over younger siblings with respect to their age difference and level of maturity
• Frequent withholding of consent (“blessing”) for culturally common, lawful, and age-appropriate activities a child wants to take part in
• The “know-it-all” (has no need to obtain child’s side of the story when accusing, or listen to child’s opinions on matters which greatly impact them)
• Nature vs. nurture (parents, often non-biological, blame common problems on child’s heredity, whereas faulty parenting may be the actual cause)

I’m not trying to ruin your day

I’m not trying to ruin your day by dredging up awful memories from your past. If I’ve done so, I apologize; and I want you to tell yourself, out loud, “I’m not going to think about that anymore,” Do it again and again if you have to until you have a moment of peace.

Clear thinking

I want you to think clearly for a moment. If you often dwell on painful or negative memories from your past, there’s a very good chance that you’re either passing along some of the same memories to your children; or that you’re overcompensating to protect them and thus creating other painful memories for them.

The best thing you can do for your family and your children is to learn how to break the control your childhood has over your thinking today. I’ve already told you how to do that.

You have the habit of negative thinking. You can break that habit. It’s all described in an online course called Finding Personal Peace.

Don’t put it off. Start creating good, positive, childhood memories for your children by losing the negative, painful, memories of your childhood. Do it today!

www.findingpersonalpeace.com

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I’ve said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends. There are buttons below for Facebook, Twitter, and other social media sites; and (3) sign up for an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for subsequent posts. Thanks again!

The Grass May Not Be Greener

Is the Grass Really Greener? Bad Decisions Hurt Relationships

Dear Abby had several letters today responding to a woman who was who was asking Abby for permission to give up a 20-year marriage to a man the woman described as “wonderful” because she didn’t “love” him and never had.

We all have potentially conflicting thoughts from time to time. “What if I do” precedes speculation about a new situation. “What if I had” follows a decision we couldn’t make for whatever reason. Both ends of the thought spectrum can cause us pain and regret.

I’m not denying there are situations that ought to be changed. No one should have to live in danger or accept infidelity as a matter of routine. Poverty and lack of education are circumstances that can very often be changed by determination and hard work. There’s nothing wrong with changing bad reality.

But there are many situations where we allow ideas of a more exciting and more fulfilling life to create total disdain for the life we have.

The woman who wrote Abby had a husband who loved her, cherished her, and provided well for her and had been faithful for 20 years. But she had gotten to the point where she didn’t want to be married to him anymore because she didn’t “love” him. I wonder how many times over the 20 years she had ruminated over a Hollywood version of life as the movies describe it.

She rationalized that she never loved him. Do you think that might be just an excuse to justify her dissatisfaction with her marriage or her life?

It’s not just marriage

Thousands of times in this country, this day, people will make decisions based on negative thinking that spoils their current situation; decisions that can destroy their past and cast them into an uncertain future.

Negative thinking can ruin our perspective on just about any issue. We can take a perfectly good job and grow to hate it because we keep replaying thoughts of how someone mistreated us. We can take a wonderful child and turn him into a social outcast because he learns that we think he’s not as successful as his brother.

At the extreme, a friend committed suicide a number of years ago because his wife was not satisfied with the $500,000 house he provided. He went deeper into debt to provide a “better” house. Then, when the economy downturned and shut down his business, he couldn’t take it any more. I had occasion in those days to be around the wife and some of her friends and the most common conversation was about how nice it would be to live in a more affluent neighborhood in a bigger house. Her negative thinking and her husband’s desire to please her ultimately made life not worth living for him.

Do you have a situation where your own negative thinking makes you dissatisfied with yourself, your life style, your job, or your spouse?

Why don’t you consider taking that negative thinking under control and see how much your disposition improves? You can do that. It’s not hard to break the habit of negative thinking.

Here’s wishing you a happier 2013 without doing a thing except stopping the negative thinking that minimizes life for you.

www.findingpersonalpeace.com

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I’ve said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends using the buttons below; and (3) sign up to get an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for our subsequent posts. Thanks again!

Resolutions – Why We Can’t Keep Them

Make Your Resolutions Count This Year

Got this year’s list close at hand? Maybe you didn’t write them down; somehow they’re not as binding if they’re not on paper.

Almost everyone has things they want to change in their lives as the New Year unfolds. Last year really wasn’t as good as it could have been. If I can just do this or that, this year will be better.

I resolve to . . .

• Lose some weight / Get in shape
• Get along with somebody
• Get organized
• Quit / atart doing something
• Drop / adopt a habit
• Make more / save more / spend less money
• … Whatever

We always resolve to do better than before. We have such a strong desire to make our lives different this year.

Then, baggage intervenes

We all have baggage from our past – we just handle it different ways. We envy the people who are able to stuff the baggage back out of sight and out of mind. It’s there. It’s part of our history. But that’s the point. It’s history – not prophecy. How fortunate are the people who can look at their baggage that way.

Most of us carry our baggage right up front.

We may wear it like a chip on our shoulder just waiting for someone to knock it off.

We may keep it on speed dial so we can play it back to anyone who gives us an opening to share how pitifully life has treated us.

We may keep our baggage on instant recall so we can pull it up frequently to ruminate on how much we’ve suffered.

Baggage vs. Resolutions

It’s the baggage that destroys our resolve to do anything good!

A review of our baggage always produces negative thinking that always creates excuses.

• We failed before; we’ll fail again
• Overweight is the new chic. We don’t want to be too thin.
• Clutter is the result of keeping busy
• Better the devil you know than the one your don’t (old habits vs. new habits)

Negative thinking will always win

I should say, it will always win unless we know how to deal with our negative thinking. Don’t you think your resolutions are worth getting rid of the negative thinking?

Negative thinking does not have to win. Learn more.

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I’ve said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends using the buttons below; and (3) sign up to get an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for our subsequent posts. Thanks again!

Do You Ever Want to Hit Someone?

Anger!!!

This is just us taking here. Nobody’s taking notes. Tell the truth. How many times in the recent years have you gotten so angry with someone that you thought about hitting them?

How many times, again just between us, did you actually hit someone in anger?

_____ made me do it

“She just gets in my face all the time.” “I don’t have the money to pay the bills.” “I work hard and there’s supposed to be supper and a cold beer waiting when I get home.”

I gave some male-oriented provocations excuses. I’m sure you can fill in the blank with your own excuses, especially if you had some real numbers in mind when I asked the questions at the top. Take a moment. Think about your favorite personal excuses. Say them out loud, if you’re in a place where you can. Think about what your excuses sound like away from the heat of battle.

I can’t help it

Most domestic abusers feel great remorse after the episode. They beg for forgiveness and promise no repeat. It’s always, “I couldn’t help it,” or “I lost control for a minute.”

I don’t doubt the sincerity of what is said after the fact. It’s pure guilt; but it’s totally true.

Breaking down the abuse

I suggest eight parts in the sequence of an abusive episode:

1. A word spoken – angry, critical, questioning – words
2. A response – probably an inner clinching of the emotional sphincter – a thought.
3. An expansion – replaying the thought and letting it grow and grow – rumination.
4. A reaction – probably angry words exchanged. The emotional sphincter gets tighter and tighter; choking off reason and release – exchange
5. The verbal battle ensues – escalation.
6. The sphincter bursts and a punch is thrown – violence.
7. Immediate remorse with apologies, tears, and expressions of love.
8. Abusive events always happen again.

Keep in mind that this is a layperson’s list. Would you agree that it’s sort of logical?

Breaking the cycle

I’m talking to the abuser now. Look at the list above. There is only one step in the list where you can do anything to effectively end the altercation.

2. A response – … – a thought.

If you had known how to dismiss that initial thought and walk away; and if you had known how to dismiss the ubiquitous follow-up thought of “You can’t give in! That means you’re weak”; then the fight would be over and no harm done.

The problem still has to be solved. But learning how to deal with the negative thoughts gains you some thought space to work on a good solution.

There are always answers – but good answers ALMOST NEVER come from intense emotions.

You can create the space in your life. Look for it today!

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“All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth”

You may remember the title song. It’s a novelty Christmas song written in 1944 by Donald Yetter Gardner while he was teaching music at public schools in Smithtown, New York. He asked his second grade class what they wanted for Christmas, and noticed that almost all of the students had at least one front tooth missing as they answered in a lisp. Gardner wrote the song in 30 minutes and as they say, “The rest is history.”

Do you have a Christmas dream?

Most of us do; except for those of us who have given up on ever seeing our wish granted.

Some of us dream of a restored relationship. But every time we start thinking about the relationship, we start rummaging up everything that happened to destroy the relationship and we get all angry, hurt, revengeful or bitter again; and again; and again.

Someone said, “Forgive and Forget.” What a curious sentiment; as if it’s my fault that he/she abused me and/or said all those ugly things to me. Both forgiving and forgetting are incredibly difficult to achieve especially if the other party hasn’t shown no remorse or may not even be aware of the offense in some cases.

There’s a better way – simply don’t think about it any more. I promise you that is something you can learn to do. Then when you have a bit of clear thinking (peace) perhaps you can decide on a rational course of action to restore the relationship.

Some of us dream of being forgiven for something we did for which forgiveness has not been offered. But when we start reflecting on the rift, we are overwhelmed by feelings of guilt, shame, or embarrassment all over again; and again; and again.

Better to learn how to not think about what we did. Perhaps in one of the peaceful interludes of not thinking about it, you’ll discover an approach to reconciliation.

Some of us dream of freedom from the stress of life like bills, repairs, a bad job, ungrateful family members, unneighborly neighbors; barking dogs; all seem to steal our peace and eventually our health if the stress continues. If we try to deal with one of these stressful issues, very often the thoughts of futility, failure, envy of those who have, and resentment of those who aren’t sharing our load gang up to beat us into submission again; and again; and again.

Better to find a way to not dwell on the issues and take advantage of the relatively calm emotional moment that provides to think of ways to resolve the issue; not just to survive it.

You have the authority

Two front teeth  – we haven’t thought about that since we were seven or eight. The other unfulfilled dreams come daily for many of us.

You have the authority to not think about anything you don’t want to think about. I learned how to do that. You can too.

God bless,

P.S. BTW, the moments of peace that we gain by not thinking about negative things begin to connect together; and we can enjoy longer and longer periods of personal peace.

Merry Christmas!

Thanks for reading our blog today. I invite you to respond in several ways: (1) Comment in the space below if you agree or disagree with what I’ve said. A dialogue could be interesting for all; (2) Share the post with your friends using the buttons below; and (3) sign up to get an email with each new post. There’s a place to do that on the right. Then you won’t have to remember to look for our subsequent posts. Thanks again!